Alone in the Dark: 31 Days of Horror
For all of October, we will review horror films.
We all know Uwe Boll well. For those who don’t, all you need to be taught is that he actually may very well be the worst director of all time (or certainly in the discussion), and this title goes beyond his cinematic ineptitude. Notorious for creating video game adaptations without any correlation to the aforementioned games, as well as retaining tons of money from box office bombs due to some legal loopholing in the German film industry’s taxation methods, Boll is just two letters away — and an “l” too many — from representing the movement his works represent (luckily, both the missing “w” and “e” are in his first name). He also challenges his negative critics to boxing matches. I won’t stoop that low. Isn’t watching any of his films low enough?
Unfortunately for us during this hallow’s eve, one of his worst films (and that is saying a lot) is the grating, insufferable Alone in the Dark, which retains none of the minimalism or the deeply rooted horrors of the namesake video game series. Instead, Boll’s vision is to be loud, obnoxious, and a Michael Bay rip off (you know, without Bay’s actual abilities to orchestrate action in any way). Toss in Christian Slater at his very worst, with Tara Reid, and you have a pair of leads trying to drag along this mind numbing, unapologetically boring snooze-fest for an hour and a half (I could have sworn Alone in the Dark was a three hour epic). I don’t know if Boll’s flick is meant to be pseudo noir, a full on action blast, or a horror thriller, but it barely ticks off any of the boxes for all three genres. The action outweighs everything else, but I can at least proclaim that the nauseating “special” effects are truly terrifying, so maybe it does succeed as a horror after all.
It’s at this moment that both stars knew they messed up.
Even if Alone in the Dark is meant to be a fun film for teenagers, there is nothing noteworthy to this garbage. Even the action is a chore to watch. If that was the main priority, then what was achieved at all? Nothing. Alone in the Dark is meant to be a video game film adaptation, but it replicates nothing about the video game playing experience. Hell, even watching someone else play video games is more exciting (as proven by the obsession with streaming play throughs online). Narratively, Alone in the Dark is dimwitted. Visually, the film is hideous. The entire project screams of a film that rides on the coattails of many action-horror films before it, without even a microscopic amount of the talent of the previous efforts. If only Boll realized this, but I suppose doing well via taking advantage of legalities is all that mattered. Box me all you want, Boll: nothing can hurt more than watching your films (also, this isn’t an acceptance of future invitations, should you see fit: boxing is a foolish way to get back at critics. Why not try making better films).
Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections Management from Ryerson University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. His favourite times of year are the Criterion Collection flash sales and the annual Toronto International Film Festival.