For far too long Bob Clark’s plutocratic statement Baby Geniuses has been reviled; misunderstood, more like it. Upon release, I saw fragments of brilliance within the very opening frames that soared over the heads of parents; the children in attendance of this supposed “family” film can be excused, as this was clearly intended for the die hard Euro arthouse aficionados that wake up to Tarkovsky, and now can be lulled by Clark. By the end of the blistering commentary displayed by four infant prodigies, I learned that Baby Geniuses was going to be misread immediately. And it was. The film was unfortunately skewered by supposed pundits that haven’t any idea what true cinematic art and narrative architecture could be.

Let’s start at the beginning. There are hyper intelligent babies that are meant to be the future of the world; they are already smarter than those in charge of them, including Dr. Heep (a fantastic play on the idea that the “s” in scientists will start off the last name right: s-heep. He’s a sheep. A sheep of society’s focus on chemistry and biology over faith and nurture). Heep is played by Christopher Lloyd, who has never performed a better role in any kind of similar position (more like Doc WHO? No, not Doctor Who, but rather Back to the Future is for simpletons compared to Baby Geniuses). Kathleen Turner plays Dr. Kinder: a symbolic term given her foil with fellow Doctor Heep. So, yes. Apparently babies can communicate with each other before they lose this ability at the age of two (we knew these years were the terrible twos, but not like this!!!). One of these babies gets mixed up with its twin as a brilliant ploy, so a regular boring baby is left in scientific care, while the next Stephen Hawking is bestowed upon the world (and, in return, our hearts). It’s already a powerful piece of imagery, on those that are misjudged by society before they even have a chance to prove their worth.

No story has made a bigger ripple affect in modern politics since Atlas Shrugged. Keep reading. — No story has made a bigger ripple affect in modern politics since *Atlas Shrugged*. Keep reading.

From there on out comes an existential battle between society and a lone sole. Whenever the phrase “diaper gravy” is uttered, it’s actually Clark’s way of discussing the battle for oil which has corrupted the youth of today in ways they couldn’t even imagine. What? Did you think it was a poo poo joke? Well, perhaps Clark is daring like a Pasolini of sorts with his referral to human waste as a sign that humans are waste, either in the eyes of authoritative fascist figures, or the actual people in power themselves. In Baby Geniuses, Sylvester is nicknamed Sly to make that obvious comparison that he is daring like Rambo himself Mr. Stallone. He is a lone wolf that has to brave the elements, like a modern day Ulysses (not that James Joyce toilet paper material either).

What unfolds is actually cry-worthy, and not in a babbling infantile sense. It’s out of pure beauty. How much does an intelligible being have to dumb themselves down in order to appeal to the masses and fit in with society (oh, Sly is such a tortured soul)? What about his twin Whit, who Sly bumps into so quickly, out of all possibilities not out of convenience but by the graces of God and fate? Also, the bold irony that Whit is the inferior baby and is named such a name. This is something I will never take for granted, Bob Clark. This is why Baby Geniuses may as well be the new Heaven’s Gate, Once Upon a Time in America, or Showgirls: a film that needs, no, demands to be reevaluated. A bad film could not be this smart. What about the throwback to Saturday Night Fever, which comments on the pale, trivial endorsements of adult leisure which take away from the smarts that babies once had until they were stymied by the idiocy of humanity?

The truth is society wasn’t ready for Baby Geniuses, and it wasn’t prepared for its even better sequel either (move out of the way, Godfather II, you immaturely adapted rubbish). The reason modern cinema can even keep going is, oh okay, enough already. This is clearly an April Fool’s Day joke, and this film is beyond one of the worst ever made.

-Everything above is a complete lie.

-The Godfather II is the greatest sequel of all time.

-Pier Paolo Pasolini is a brilliant filmmaker that was taken away from us too soon.

-Back to the Future is good, lovely ‘80s fun that I cherish just like the rest of you.

-Ulysses is the greatest piece of literature ever to be conceived.

-Andrei Tarkovsky is a filmmaking legend.

-I will never care for Atlas Shrugged.

Absolutely no one should subject themselves to this nightmare. It’s beyond irritating, and I think I said enough about how bad it is pretending it was actually good. I spent too much time with this review already. Just trust me. It’s torture.

APRIL FOOL’S DAY FROM US AT FILMS FATALE

Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections management from Ryerson University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. His favourite times of year are the Criterion Collection flash sales and the annual Toronto International Film Festival.