Thirteen Ghosts
Written by Andreas Babiolakis
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Ugh. Remember those horror films from the ‘90s and ‘00s that were heavily catered to teenagers? The ones directed by filmmakers that didn’t really understand why Scream was the way that it was? The films made to try and capitalize on the Friday night crowds, particularly around Halloween? As if every film will get the same result as The Blair Witch Project? Well, Thirteen Ghosts is one of those offshoots: a waste of a remake of the William Castle of the (sort of) same name (13 Ghosts this time around). The film somehow wrangled up a series of then-major names, including Tony Shalhoub (of all people), Embeth Davidtz (still on that run post Schindler’s List, Matilda, and Army of Darkness), Shannon Elizabeth (when American Pie was still ginormous), and Matthew Lillard (I suppose to try and get that Scream crowd). I won’t bother bringing up F. Murray Abraham, who has had quite the array of ups and downs in his career, and yet he can always impress me from time to time; in Abraham I believe.
However, I did end on Matthew Lillard for a specific reason. Thirteen Ghosts reminded me of another film in his career from around the same time: the remake of Scooby-Doo. This film is such a sloppy look at horror, but at least it is also rooted in intended comedy. I know parts of Thirteen Ghosts is as well, but none of the intended jokes actually land. Point is that Thirteen Ghosts is aiming for something more mature and frightening, but it feels much more like a Scooby Gang case than the worst night of these peoples’ lives. In short, a group of various players learn that a mansion is not quite what it seems. Obviously it’s possessed by the titular spirits that have passed away from disastrous causes. While the title of the film alludes to the nightmare that is to come (the need to kill one of the players to act as the sacrificial thirteenth ghost, in order to escape this curse), the film is just far too flimsy for anyone to care.
Thirteen Ghosts is a portfolio of special effects and that’s it.
The only major plus I can give this film is another major name that it is attached to: producer Robert Zemeckis, who has always pushed boundaries with technology and practical effects. As a result, all of the ghosts (thirteen or not) look quite great, and while some of the effects have aged a little poorly, you can guarantee that they looked much better twenty years ago. Otherwise, Thirteen Ghosts is just cheap shock after cheap shock, poorly made joke after poorly made joke, and cliche after cliche. It’s less a 13 Ghosts remake more than it is an attempt to remake all of the ‘90s horror scene, which is never a good look. It’s the kind of film where you can get by watching whichever ghost’s clips on YouTube and that will suffice. To watch an entire film for these events stacks them all on top of each other, and turns any slight possibility of reward into a chore. Forget thirteen of these things: one is more than enough. Here’s to hoping we’ve gotten past lazy remakes, even lazier scares, and the pandering to teen audiences to make a fortune (which Thirteen Ghosts didn’t succeed in, mind you).
Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections Management from Ryerson University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. His favourite times of year are the Criterion Collection flash sales and the annual Toronto International Film Festival.