The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: On-This-Day Thursday
Written by Andreas Babiolakis
Every Thursday, an older film released on this opening weekend years ago will be reviewed. They can be classics, or simply popular films that happened to be released to the world on the same date.
For August 21st, we are going to have a look at The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
Typically when I prepare for an On-This-Day Thursday article, I look for some noteworthy films that I either love or hate, and view what impact they’ve made on society, film, and myself. Well, there is absolutely nothing of value that came out of the creation of one of cinema’s most vile pictures of all time. When looking up the films that were released around this date years ago, I couldn’t escape The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. I find it impossible to not talk about how much I despise this film whenever it gets brought up (or even when I get a chance at all). Unquestionably repugnant and completely irrelevant, The Garbage Pail Kids Movie really is one of the worst films I have ever seen. See, the thing is that bad films can elicit one of two primary reactions most of the time: laughs or complete boredom. Usually when a film isn’t good and it makes you mad, you may feel like you have wasted time, or you resort back to the state of boredom. Garbage Pail Kids is a rare instance where a film actually drives my blood to a boil. When I say I hate this film, I sincerely loathe it. Getting kicked repetitively in the groin for the duration of this picture would serve as a better use of my time. That’s what I’m talking about, folks. This film is pure torture.
I’d say we would need to look into the pop culture craze that this atrocity is based on, but no one has enough time to try and justify this sludge of an existence. The Garbage Pail Kids cards make fun of Cabbage Patch Kids. That’s it. We didn’t need a film about the parodies of innocent — yet creepy — dolls in illustrated paper form. What can we get from a doll that pukes its entire innards out, or a rebel that carries a switchblade, or the doofus that can’t stop peeing his pants (and not to offend anyone with a bladder problem, but this kid is a doofus for a series of other reasons)? Absolutely nothing. You see, cards can be looked at for a brief moment, then traded, discarded, or swiped away for a glance at another card. You have no choice but to look at these rejects for an hour and a half in this cinematic adaptation. Who the hell wants this? Furthermore, the puppetry has to be some of the worst in film, as these creeps can only open and close their maws. Kids with sock puppet theatres look more promising than these moronic creations. If they weren’t so despicable, I’d perhaps be a bit kinder to these mutants, but they are so hateful, mean-spirited, and hideous to look at. They’re like if the Pillsbury Dough Boy had kids, and locked them up in a vault in Chernobyl for thirty years, and then unleashed them at a picnic.
Ugh.
There’s this whole message about trying to find the heart within someone, and not to judge someone for being ugly, but these cretins themselves are so judgemental and unlikeable. They’re attached (barely) to this other storyline about a kid who is in love with an older girl, is compulsively bullied, and then has to deal with these snot balls on the regular like he’s a janitor looking under an elementary school table. The film tries to imply that this boy’s story is the focal point, but it spends far too long following around the ghastly gang of Eraserhead babies as they steal, act like idiots during film screenings, and other unpleasantries. That’s when the film reveals its most unfortunate side. The “kids” (or whatever the hell they are) are threatened by wandering employees of the State Home for the Ugly that are trying to catch them. Yes. There is a state home for ugly people who get executed for being unattractive. This is real, folks. This film has an entire industry devoted towards killing ugly people. See, the film itself is wretched, and that’s half the problem with this message of trying to find love within ugliness. There is no one, and nothing more unattractive than a repulsive film like this, especially with how mean spirited and flat out annoying it is.
The first major problem is that there is no demographic that Garbage Pail Kids was intended for. It’s far too offensive for children, and it’s beyond immature and diabolical for adults. This would typically mean that this is a work meant for teenagers, but I can only foresee teenagers being bullied beyond repair for liking this (if one could even like this); otherwise, teenagers would also find this the most uncool film they would have to sit through. Even if you eliminate the age ranges, this film is just far too gross, unrewarding, loud, and pessimistic for anyone to like. I’ve met people who like (or ironically like) pretty much every film under the sun except for The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. It’s easy to see why. When it isn’t nauseating, it’s ear-piercing. When it isn’t ear-piercing, it’s poorly made. When it isn’t poorly made, it’s boring. When it isn’t boring, it’s offensive. When it isn’t offensive, it’s nauseating. It’s this cycle of puke, urine, snot, and farts; if you think I’m going overboard, these are reoccurring jokes in the film that happen beyond repetitively. Yes. This is The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. I’ve seen arguably worse films (not by much), but I barely hate any film (or any thing) as much as I hate The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. I find myself wanting to scream at the top of my lungs even just thinking about it, but I’ll never forget my unparalleled rage after the time I stupidly decided to watch it in full.
If you ever feel low about yourself, like you can’t succeed, allow The Garbage Pail Kids Movie to let you feel like the most accomplished person alive. That’s the only positive that can come out of this. You know you have nothing to do with this film, and so you are automatically in a better spot than you may have thought beforehand. Even then, don’t watch this. Don’t be curious about it. There’s nothing redeeming. Don’t try and be otherwise. Don’t try to find some rare positive here. There’s nothing but pain and self hatred here, folks. I cannot un-recommend a film more than I will with The Garbage Pail Kids Movie: unquestionably one of the lowest points in all of film. For this hour and a half, go read a book. Learn words of a language you’ve been meaning to learn. Try an art lesson. Hell, watch something else! Borderline anything else will be better in comparison, and I sincerely mean that. However, if you want to know what it feels like to truly hate one’s self, whether it’s the people involved or you after finishing this film, then watch The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Its toxicity will never leave you. You’ll forever be poisoned for having seen this. I know. I’ve been there. However, I’ll never be as ugly as The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. Fuck The Garbage Pail Kids Movie.
Andreas Babiolakis has a Masters degree in Film and Photography Preservation and Collections Management from Ryerson University, as well as a Bachelors degree in Cinema Studies from York University. His favourite times of year are the Criterion Collection flash sales and the annual Toronto International Film Festival.