What If: David Lynch Directed a Batman Movie?
Written by Cameron Geiser
Title: Assault on Arkham Asylum
CONCEPT
There was a short period of time in cinema’s past when David Lynch almost directed Star Wars Return of The Jedi. While it’s fun to imagine how that could have turned out, it got me thinking about what other mainstream characters, franchises, or properties would benefit from an adaptation handled by the master of unsettling surrealism. As the dominant genre of modern blockbusters is almost single handedly devoted to that of comic-book adaptations, I simply had to narrow down the options as to which character or series would work best for Lynch’s idiosyncrasies. It wasn’t long before the Dark Knight himself loomed large as the perfect opportunity.
There are a LOT of considerations to this What if? Firstly, Lynch and most of his troupe of regular actors are older and most likely wouldn’t sign on for such a project- but we’re throwing caution to the wind with this one. Heck, when Lynch did his third season of Twin Peaks that didn’t stop him and the remaining Twin Peaks cast from creating something truly great, so why not try to capture lightning in a bottle twice? Secondly, the story itself and ability for Lynch to have creative freedom are the two most important aspects of such an ordeal. Let’s be honest, you don’t hire David Lynch for him to be given studio notes, especially if you expect him to follow those notes. You hire David Lynch to do what only he can do; weird, dark, unsettling, and surprisingly hopeful stuff that soaks in atmosphere and ethereal universality.
So, you’ve hired David Lynch for the next Batman film, what next? You craft the edges of what the story will be, and obviously Lynch can tinker around with all of the creative choices, but a general guiding sense of story would be appropriate given the circumstances. While there are a myriad of various settings that Lynch could utilize within the Batman mythos, I would limit it to two or three at most. The Batcave could be a good place to start, let Lynch go all out with the set dressing, maybe make Batman’s tech look and feel older, or more alien than what your average viewer might expect. This paired with the Gotham City Police Department, or simply a rooftop with the Bat Signal atop it for your prerequisite Commissioner Gordon scene, would be the two preliminary settings before getting to the most important and time consuming setting of the film, Arkham Asylum.
The basic plotting of the film is getting Batman to investigate a curious set of events unfolding at the infamous asylum and unleashing a slew of familiar villains, all long thought incarcerated by the Bat. Think John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13, but with Batman being forced to survive a siege on the Asylum as the clown prince of crime himself attempts to storm Arkham and make it his castle of comedic kills! In this story, I see Two-Face as the cause of our inciting incident in bringing the Bat to Arkham. You see, in this iteration Two-Face has already taken a portion of the Asylum under his “protection” and isn’t too keen on having the Joker ruin a good thing for him. However, things aren’t entirely kosher between Two-Face and the other villains in the Asylum who have also carved out positions of power in the halls of Arkham. The Riddler, for example, leads a cult-like following of acolytes threatening to unseat Two-Face from his throne all while the Joker and his cavalcade of carnival themed carnage assail the foundations of Arkham as a catastrophic storm pummels Gotham and Arkham alike.
While there will undoubtedly be a few punches thrown over the course of the story, I would have our older Batman use those unmatched detective skills of his more than anything else. Utilizing the decades of character interactions and storylines at our disposal, I’d include a few good surprises along the way- like the Joker having a subjugated Mr. Freeze at his disposal as his secret counterweight once things inevitably start to go wrong for him. Let’s be honest here, the Joker isn’t against holding Freeze’s terminally ill wife under lock and key as the perfect motivator either. There are a few different ways the story could unfold for the Caped Crusader, and most involve Batman turning some of the villains against each other to his benefit- but the details would lie with where Lynch would go with those opportunities. In the third season of Twin Peaks, Good does triumph over Evil, but things get twisty in the end too.
Since this would be its own story with no repercussions for these characters outside this movie, perhaps Lynch would throw a curveball into the mix? There’s certainly potential for the occult with the Riddler in this story. Maybe the master of Riddles solved a mystery through language alone? If the short poem from Lynch’s 1992 movie “Fire Walk with Me” gave you chills when it was revisited in the third season of Twin Peaks (it definitely did for me!), I’m certain Lynch could play with the flexibility of language and the potential visual interplay to craft something utterly unreal. I’m also drawn to the visual cinematic language Lynch utilized for the Woodsmen in the third season of Twin Peaks for the Riddler and his minions for this interpretation. In fact I think that all of the villains should have their own unique relationships with language itself. Not only would this make them stand out from other interpretations of these characters, but I think it would play well to David Lynch’s own nature as a filmmaker too.
The only other major considerations I have for this project would be a potential black and white version of the film, it might not be ultimately necessary, but I know Lynch could play with shadows, mist, and stark contrasts to great visual effect. That, and I’d consider playing into the idea that Batman may not be “all there” himself, mentally speaking. Batman is one of the most psychologically assessed superheroes out there and having an older Batman in action could be a source of tension when the caped crusader has to keep checks on his own sense of reality on top of the villainous shenanigans afoot. Oh, and I would also have Angelo Badalamenti score the film.
THE CAST
Kyle MacLachlan as Bruce Wayne/Batman
Sometimes there are actors that completely fit the role given to them, and I firmly believe that Kyle MacLachlan would be the perfect fit for an older Bruce Wayne/Batman. He has the look, the charm, the sheer tenacity, and certainly the acting ability for such a role. Look to Dune (1984) or all of Twin Peaks for reference.
David Lynch as Commissioner Jim Gordon
Okay, so there are a lot of Twin Peaks references here, but can you blame me? David Lynch’s role as Deputy Director Gordon Cole of the FBI isn’t exactly a carbon copy of Batman’s inside man at the GCPD, but it’s close enough for me! See all of his Twin Peaks appearances for reference.
Nicolas Cage as The Joker
Personally, I think Nicolas Cage should re-team with David Lynch for … anything really. I’d watch whatever the pair conjured up together- but this is the casting of a lifetime if you ask me. Cage has played a litany of over-the-top roles in his time, but playing the Joker when he’s set his mind on conquest? It’s the perfect opportunity for Lynch and Cage to join forces once again for something truly insane! See Face/Off and Wild at Heart for reference.
Laura Dern as Harley Quinn
You know what? Let’s go full Wild at Heart reunion and bring Laura Dern into the party. Every movie is better for having Laura Dern involved, and she’d absolutely kill the role of Harley Quinn. See Wild at Heart, Marriage Story, or her appearances in the third season of Twin Peaks for reference.
Patrick Fischler as The Riddler
I’ve always thought Patrick Fischler had the perfect look for a smarmy villain, and the Riddler feels like the right fit for him. His smaller role in the third season of Twin Peaks does inform this choice a bit, but mostly it’s from his scene in Mulholland Dr that still sticks with me to this day. It’s the perfect visual representation of nightmare logic I’ve ever seen put to screen- but also he just seems like he could do the character justice. Look up the roles mentioned for reference.
Ray Wise as Two-Face
Not only is Ray Wise an impeccable actor, but he has prior experience working with Lynch on a character who’s split between divergent personalities. His role as Leland Palmer in seasons one and two of Twin Peaks heavily inform this choice.
Naomi Watts as The Oracle/ Barbara Gordon
Naomi Watts has had a few roles with David Lynch before, but I’m mostly concerned with her role in Mulholland Dr and her character in the third season of Twin Peaks. I like the idea of taking that spicy attitude from her Twin Peaks character, Janey-E Jones, and giving Barbara Gordon some of that cynicism with an optimist’s core beneath it all. See the roles mentioned for reference.
David Dastmalchian as Mr. Freeze
Personally, I’m always rooting for David Dastmalchian to get complex, weird, roles because he’s just so damn good at them. I’m mostly pulling from his role as Polka-Dot Man in The Suicide Squad for this casting choice, but really check him out in the Ant-Man movies, Dune (2021), or Prisoners for a few examples of why I think he’s got the right stuff for Mr. Freeze.
Cameron Geiser is an avid consumer of films and books about filmmakers. He'll watch any film at least once, and can usually be spotted at the annual Traverse City Film Festival in Northern Michigan. He also writes about film over at www.spacecortezwrites.com.