Ten Films That Affected Quentin Tarantino Gastrointestinally
Written by Kwiecień Blázni
When it comes to the art of cinema, audiences can be moved in many ways. They can be brought to tears, encouraged to laugh, or pushed into the fetal position whilst hiding from frightening images. There’s one other example which isn’t discussed enough in film circuits, especially by so-called pundits that proclaim to dedicate themselves to the art of motion pictures inside and out: the bowel movement. There is one cinephile that is stronger than any other, and that is the world’s biggest film fanatic Quentin Tarantino himself. After lots of research (from my desk, I promise), I have found the ten films that affected Quentin Tarantino gastrointestinally, and only the auteur himself could have come up with such an eye-opening list of motion pictures this versatile and inspiring. If you think you’ve experienced all that the cinematic experience can offer, think again.
Notting Hill
Tarantino notes: “You see, it was the late nineties. I had this thing for Julia Roberts. I mean, who didn’t? She was the it girl! America’s sweetheart! There’s just something about her charm in Notting Hill — one of the greatest rom-coms of all time — that gave me butterflies in my stomach. That, plus the poor decision to eat far too much popcorn when I saw it open at Tower Theatre over at South Broadway — you know that was the first film house to be designed to play talkies! It actually housed The Jazz Singer. It’s unfortunately an Apple Store now, but I can’t take too many jabs. Have you seen that Apple TV+ programming? Anyway, so I had too much popcorn when I watched Notting Hill, and then Julia Roberts just had me feeling like a giddy kid all over again. I couldn’t take it and I just had to use the can.”
1900
Tarantino recalls: “This is a film that is over five hours long. I misjudged my viewing experience and should have watched it when I was better prepared. I made it to the three hour mark and realized it just wasn’t worth fighting off anymore. So many people today complain about three hour films. They say they’re too long. Hah! 1900 is a must-see film for anyone that is prepared to actually sit down and watch pure cinema. No phones. No distractions. Just a Bernardo Bertolucci masterpiece. Just don’t eat too much before hand.”
Bridesmaids
In an interview with Joy Behar on The View, Tarantino championed Bridesmaids by saying “Now this is the ultimate poop movie just based on that sequence where all the ladies get food poisoning from that Brazilian steak restaurant. Forget the vomiting. It’s all about Maya Rudolph having to take a dump in the middle of the street in an alabaster wedding gown. Ten points go to Melissa McCarthy who got an Academy Award nomination for diarrhea-blasting into the sink without recourse. Joy! You’re going to see this film with fresh new eyes! It absolutely made me think I needed to go!”
Drop Dead Fred
Tarantino decrees: “Sometimes, a shitty movie makes you need to shit. Drop Dead Fred was like the clusterfuck of my youth that was the epitome of everything wrong with family based films of the 90s. I thought it ruined my childhood, until I remembered that I was a grown man by the time it was released, and I was working on my breakthrough, independent hit Reservoir Dogs. Drop Dead Fred made me realize how not to direct a feature film, and it also made me need to rush to the John faster than women flocked to Stamos (but I don’t blame them).”
This was a statement offered to Robert Christgau, who wasn’t even sure why Tarantino was reaching out to him. Nonetheless, Christgau gave this comment a “Choice Cut” rating.
The Toilet: The Unspoken History
Tarantino simply said: “If you watch a documentary about toilets, you’re gonna need the toilet. Believe me. Following Ifor Ap Glyn through the history of functioning toilets in The Toilet: The Unspoken History made me appreciate the receptacle I have in my master bedroom as much as I love my favourite seat in the movie theatre (in case you’re wondering, Keith, it’s the seat marked E5, which is coincidentally where I always place my destroyer piece when I play Battleships, because nobody suspects i-.”
That’s when Tarantino’s message got cut off and was left rotting on Keith Morrison’s answering machine.
The Searchers
Tarantino reminisces: “So, get this. There’s this chain down in the south called “Buc-ee’s”. It’s like this Kmart gas station. They’ve got ten thousand parking spots, food, electronics, a badass beaver dude, and snacks like Beaver Nuggets! But most importantly, they have the best toilets in all of America! The best! It’s like the Ruth’s Chris Steak House of shitters! The Ruth’s Chris Shit House, if you will. I was location scouting for The Hateful Eight when I felt this beckoning: I was about to destroy my favourite Roberto Cavalli jeans. I demanded that we pull over to this place. You have to understand. They were Cavallis! So at this Buc-ee’s place over in New Braunfels, I waddled in and the toilet was like the cleanest thing ever. I could eat off of it! I would have. But I had to shit. It made me forget all about my problems. The pain in my stomach. The beads of sweat upon my brow. The fact that someone leaked my script to The Hateful Eight. The toilet experience was so good, I decided to make The Hateful Eight after all.
Oh, right. I’m supposed to pick a film for your question? Since we’re talking about great Texan experiences, I choose John Ford’s The Searchers.”
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
Tarantino politely postulated: “I got this sneak preview to The Super Mario Bros. Movie, and I was so excited to see this. I couldn’t imagine it being better than Peppa Pig, especially since Minions has nothing on that British masterpiece of a series, and Illumination is behind both Minions and the Mario picture. Well, I got to the part where Donkey Kong has to break out Toad of a POW camp in Bowser’s dungeon (I won’t tell you who winds up slipping on Luigi’s stupid fucking hat and breaking their nose in this sequence) when I realized that I may actually like this more than Peppa Pig. I couldn’t allow it, and my body knew what to do (or, as they said at the Brown Derby back in the roaring twenties, what to ‘doo-doo’). It was like an automated system to get me crapping. To this day, I can’t tell you what happens at the end of Mario, or if it’s better than Peppa Pig. All I can say is that Luigi isn’t careful enough with his stupid fucking hat.”
Fresh Guacamole
Tarantino frantically screamed: “You gotta understand something. Fresh Guacamole is only two minutes long. Two. It was so good that it had me needing to take a dump roughly forty five seconds in. How does this one end? I don’t even know! Every time I try to finish it, I have to drop deuces. I even purposefully go to the bathroom ahead of time, and I still have to go during Fresh Guacamole. Not even fasting for four days worked. It’s miraculous, really.”
Needless to say the Cannes Film Festival panel for Once Upon a Time in Hollywood was flabbergasted by this declaration.
Death Proof
Tarantino giggled: “Yeah! I can place my own films on favourite lists! You’d think that Pulp Fiction would be the movie that would make me want to go the most, with all of the times that John Travolta’s Vincent Vega takes shits during the runtime. No. It’s Death Proof. Whenever I watch this film back, I get rushes that instantly have me feeling uneasy on the inside. Not sick. God no. I just have to hit the stalls. Not during Planet Terror, though. My good friend Robert Rodriguez made that flick, and I’m not missing a single second of it whenever it’s on.”
We’re not sure when this commentary track will finally be paired to a release of Death Proof: perhaps on the upcoming 4K release.
Notting Hill
Tarantino: “No. You don’t understand. Like, Notting Hill really got to me. And I had way too much popcorn. And Julia Roberts was drop dead gorgeous and this became a trifecta of oh-no-I-gotta-go. It is the number one film to make me need to use the bathroom. But I have heard great things about that new Scott Waugh flick, and maybe there will be a new king of the porcelain throne.”
In this day and age, anyone will believe anything. THIS IS AN APRIL FOOLS DAY JOKE. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE DON’T TAKE IT SERIOUSLY. IF YOU ARE QUENTIN TARANTINO, WE LOVE YOU AND HOPE YOU’RE NOT TOO MAD WITH US (OR AT LEAST APPROVE OF OUR CURATION).